So when I was supposed to be finishing my slides for a guest-lecture for a University I drop out from (yeah, I know, it warrants another blog post), I sort of kepoh (1) a bit a overheard this hot, smart, funny, gorgeous Malaysian young lady having such a good time conversing, laughing, flirting and touching with an ang moh (2) dude.
Then I remembered a couple of hot, smart, funny, gorgeous Malaysian girl friends who are either married to or dating ang moh dudes too, and I did ask them why not give the local boys a shot. Now, here’s a compilation of the age-long survey. Now, please bear in mind these are just opinions of a few and does not reflect every Malaysian guy, but if you terasa (3), well, maybe you are the few? ;p
1. Malaysian guys dunno how to talk
No, they don’t mean deaf and mute, but rather the surveyed group found that when the guys are in the presence of a hot, smart, funny, gorgeous Malaysian girl, said guys just shutter, mum-up, become nervous, get a bulging hard-on etc. Such a bummer (no, I don’t mean the guys try to dry-hump the girls, but then again, who knows?) when the same guy can talk so well with his mom (about the hot, smart, funny, gorgeous Malaysian girl he missed again) and friends (Candy Crush, football, mamak).
2. Malaysian guys dunno how to romance
Ah, personally I blame the hot, smart, funny, gorgeous Malaysian girls for watching too much Korean drama (but seriously girls? You think this guy exists? – handsome, rich, caring, no need to work, perfect hair, always there for you, then when quarrel with you that time, he suddenly go MIA lar, busy with work lar, mom in hospital until have to leave the planet to find cure lar… seriously? seriously?) Ok, ranting aside, I think perhaps said girls are just saying Malaysian dudes kinda need to work on being more attentive, sensitive and appreciative, just like how they treat their PS4, sports car or mother they still living with (oops!)
3. Malaysian guys no confidence and charisma (not sexy lar)
Okay, I don’t want to take another hit at the public education system that may have contributed to creating quiet, shy, unexpressive children. Essentially, the girls are saying ang moh dudes, either due to their better command of English, better self-assurance or more chest hair (but then our Indian brothers also got what…), are more attractive to them. Fair point to a certain degree.
4. Malaysian guys are so backward thinking
Ah, the kampong (5) mentality. Well, the hot, smart, funny, gorgeous Malaysian girls (at this point you should suspect that I’m trying to score for SEO (7) in the wrong way) like the forward thinking, mindset of possibility/positivity, all-go-no-quits attitude of our ang moh friends. Seriously, I think said girls may just be confused that with good ‘ol principles of the asians, but I don’t wanna say much lar.
5. Malaysian guys all no fun
I didn’t really ask more in detail, but basically the hot, smart, funny, gorgeous Malaysian girls are saying the local guys are boring. Talk about football, go watch action movie, play Candy Crush… Well, if you put that kind of attitude, girl, everything also sound boring lar. Bitch please…!
6. Malaysian guys dunno how to please me sexually
Ok, for a country that ranked one of the highest in porn consumption, this is a weird remark to make. Cos I had never had sex with a local guy before, I wouldn’t have first hand (or in my preferred case, any hand) info on this. So, no comments.
7. Malaysian guys have their nagging mothers nearby
Haha, this is the classic fear of the (potential) mother-in-law. Local guys love their moms (cooking more than anything else sometimes), so they may tend to be mommy’s boys. This require delicate diplomatic tactics that frankly, our country leaders should be using more of, but I digress.
8. Malaysian guys never left Malaysia
The frog-under-coconut-shell (a local saying, basically saying you are Mr. Frog who chose/forced to live in a cut-off environment for too long, try forever). This I have to agree with the girls, coz I have seen some Malaysians who can study in English-speaking countries for 4 years and still come home not knowing how to speak engrand. A classic case of cluster-fucking, the students will just look for other Malaysian kids in their class and hang with them throughout the tenure. Hence, the exposure was there but never utilized. Sad case indeed.
Well, being Chinese, let me just stop at the auspicious 8. There are more, for sure, but I figured with all the negativities about our PM, missing money scandals and monkeys-running-parliament and zoos, I figured why not I share some tips from either local guys who had successfully scored hot, smart, funny, gorgeous Malaysian girls, or “feature-requests” from the hot, smart, funny, gorgeous Malaysian girls themselves.
1. Know that you, too, have things to be proud of
Malaysians can be modest, because we were told since young if you pandai (8), don’t show off lar. Truth is, if you’re good at something, you’re good at something, and though you need to practice some moderation, it’s practically ok to demonstrate your strengths or talents. This builds self-worth and confidence, and charisma too over time.
2. Talk to more girls
Lagi (9) if you’re from an all-boys school! 🙂 Girls are not intimidating; bitches are. Frankly, the hottest ones are usually more likely to talk to you coz since they are so hot, most guys don’t talk to them. And guess what will happen to the only guy at the crowded bar who talked to the horny, desperate, hot, smart, funny, gorgeous Malaysian girl? Just saying.
3. Emulate someone awesome
A good friend of mine Anthony emulates Tony Stark a.k.a. Iron Man, from gestures, moves, the way he talks, facial hair to even his love of scotch. Find your Tony Stark and just emulate, but don’t copy. Watch what is done well and assimilate into your own character.
4. Talk less, listen more, do even more
I think there’s a reason why our creator gives us one mouth, two ears, two hands. Don’t really get the one dick two balls though.
5. Go for it
As the Goddess of Nike said it, Just (Fucking) Do It already. And know that sometimes you win, sometimes you don’t – that’s life. If you see someone you really find interesting, ask her out for coffee. You’ll be surprised more often than not, she will say yes.
6. Rapport is currency
Ok, I damn malas (11) to explain this, but pick up a good book on Neuro Linguistic Programming, or better yet, take up a course on it. It’s priceless in the area of personal and relationship development. In a nutshell, if the girl can relate or feel they connect to you, SCORE!
7. Stop hanging out with your loser single friends
Ok lar, sorry to your friends. I don’t mean to be mean, but you do know they are the same people they were since you met them in kindergarten, right? Maybe just spend way way lesser time with them, and go make new friends from different circles. There’s a saying that if you take the average salary of the 5 people you spend the most time with, that’s most probably your salary too. Time to up your game, bro!
8. Story-tell the shit out of anyone
If there’s one skill I personally think if useful in impressing a girl, is able to tell a good story. It can be a personal story, or one you stole and make it yours. The ingredients gotta be there lar – humor, inspiration, drama, teary-eyed, emotions, gestures – and practice dude! But don’t overdo it, or you will be the guy who talks too much. Story tell is just to start the conversation, after that, the game should be “ask-great-questions-and-shut-the-fuck-up!”
So guys, let’s win back our hot, smart, funny, gorgeous Malaysian girls!
1. Kepoh – Nosy, with involvement levels ranging from low (eavesdropping) to mother-in-law crazy (people who just run your lives without your consent)
2. Ang Moh – if we were to translate direct from the Hokkien dialect, it literally means red hair/fur. Basically this refers to our caucasian friends lar (3).
3. Lar – or sometimes la or lah, is a great sentence, phrase or conversation ender. It keeps things casual, friendly, and is used as the greatest diffuser of tension (proper use of this is “Eh, Fuck You! lar….)
4. Terasa – feeling irritated, agitated, or angered by something someone else said
5. Kampong – village. By right should be spelled kampung, but who gives a fuck lar Puan Noreha (6)
6. Puan Noreha – malay language teacher that I don’t like
7. SEO – short for Search Engine Optimization, or more commonly confused as Super Exciting Orgasm(s).
8. Pandai – smart, intelligent, witty, knowledgable, or just a way to describe yourself as you are dick-stroking or masturbating (9)
9. Masturbating – ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!!! God knows why you’re single.
10. Lagi – more. Exactly what you should say when you’re asked how much sex you want, how much pay raise you want, and how much rice on your banana leaf.
11. Malas – lazy