Have you ever been in a relationship where you both kinda know it’s not gonna work, and yet, you put effort into it hoping it will work? Hey, sometimes it does work, i.e. flame rekindled, better than ever, block-your-calendar-we’re-getting-married. If these describe you, go read something else. Some conspiracy to over throw the PM, what stuff can and cannot be stored in the first lady’s hair, or if RM42b were changed into 50 sen coins, how many rubber balls you can fill you bed room with (HINT: You’ll be buried alive).
Cos the rest of the article is for those who didn’t have those kinds happen. (No, not talking about the PM)
Here’s a story of how letting it go turned out to be a better thing, but before that, as a dude, let me tell you why dudes generally hold on to the relationship.
1. We feel responsible.
Yeah, more so if we initiated the relationship (seriously Mav, are there relationships that are started by the girl? Yes bro, it’s in another blog post. Shuddup and read this first?). As jerk-y as we are known to be, the deep sense of responsibility is there. So yeah, we do feel guilty if we ended the relationship, despite after putting the effort in making it work. There’s just this thing inside us that will not rest until we try again (ok, more for some than others lar, but you get the point.)
2. We feel insecure.
Yup, behind the macho, I-can-take-on-the-world, lagi-coz-I’m-a-startup-unicorn (puh-lease), we are just human beings, and we are unsure what lies ahead. Sure, the possibilities are endless, but I think human beings are like monkeys (yup, evolutionarily we are!): we don’t let go of a branch until we grab on to another. That Tarzan shit, swinging on vines and triple somersaulting in the air, that’s not real coz he’s trying to impress apes, yo!
3. We fear losing.
What if you move on first? What if there’s no one out there for me? What if the next girl I date is worse than you? Yup, those questions crossed most of our minds. We are scared when you found another guy and start posting new memories and adventures on Facebook and proposal photos and wedding photos and baby photos and first-day-of-school photos, while we potentially may still be standing (sometimes kneeling) at the same spot for years.
Sure, there are other reasons, but it’s pretty much the same emotions involved – fear, insecurity, doubt, guilt. All the ingredients to warrant 10 sessions with your favorite psychologist or making the parent-into-coma decision of never-getting-married-again or hey-mom-I’m-recently-gay!
So here’s the story, but like how all great Christopher Nolan movies, let’s just start at the end, Momento style.
Ah fuck it, let’s just do summary lar.
- After breaking up twice, it kinda made me think serious thoughts about the relationship.
- I know there was trouble when we hardly could talk about the future together.
- We don’t talk as much, and I had to fake responses to feel less guilty about one way conversations.
- I sometimes don’t look forward to meeting up with her.
- Close friends are giving the same advice – stop trying to fix it and let it go.
- The realization – if I don’t let her go, I’m selfishly not allowing her to meet the man that can truly make her happy, and do what I couldn’t do for her.
And though it’s pretty recent, we broke up and found new life partners. She’s a lot happier now and she even admitted she was tired of the relationship for a long time, but just kept on going since I kept quiet. If I hadn’t buckled up the courage to end the relationship, I would seriously deny her the happiness she now has, and put on more stress on her personally, probably driving both of us crazier.
A couple of years ago, I used to say if you eliminate breaking up from the equation, you will have no choice but to be resourceful until the relationship works. Well, I used to say that kids should grow up with a healthy un-separated family too. I guess sometimes when we’re young, we say things with the lack of insight, but it’s ok. We are all learning. 😉
So, if the relationship is not really working, it’s time to have the talk. Of coz, make sure you try out options like seeking external help or go build more memories together, but after all that, if it still ain’t working, take Elsa’s advice and let it go, let it go…